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"Since I met you."
I said it before I was even aware of the thought. I have flaws, but
I can say with some degree of certainty that a lack of honesty isn't
among them. Sara asked a question, I answered it. She had asked her
question with a tinge of bitterness. That didn't escape me. I also
noticed just a touch of wistfulness, but that almost did.
She looks at me with a mix of shock and something so veiled it
remains indescribable. Sara and I differ greatly when it comes to
our interaction with others. She's free with her emotions; I have a
learned restraint borne from years of dealing with the hyper-
emotional state of those I encounter on the job. So, I know what
I've just said must resonate with her more than if it had come from
someone else. That's not a result of my proficency with compliments,
but a result of what I lack.
We make eye contact briefly, her questioning stare meeting my direct
one. I feel the same charge I get whenever our gazes meet. There is
a depth to her eyes that has intrigued me since our first meeting in
San Francisco several years ago. She was typical Sara then, too.
Confident, bright, energetic, and...beautiful.
Not just beautiful in a physical sense, although her looks don't
escape me. Her tomboy wardrobe and minimal use of makeup only serves
to enhance her natural radiance. I'm her supervisor; she is my
subordinate. I'm not supposed to regard her in any other way. I may
be a professional, but I'm also a man. I know Sara carries an
attraction to me of some sort. Catherine and I have had discussions
on the matter. She broached the subject thinking I was unaware. I
wasn't. I have been accused-- and sometimes rightfully so-- of being
oblivious to the living. I'm not oblivious to Sara.
Sara has shown me beauty in many forms. She represents it in herself
through the physical, but that's just one aspect. She's shown me the
beautiful side of humanity; one that I had lost sight of after over
twenty years on the job. More than anything, however, it's her mind.
She can analyze a scene more quickly than anyone else in the
department. I've seen her calculate trajectories in her head. Yet
with all that goes on in that sharp mind she still has room for the
emotional side of our profession. She feels. Sometimes it's a
liability, but it doesn't make me envy it any less.
I rise and walk away from the bench, still asserting my authority
through my directions while admitting to myself that the comment
that surprised her also surprised myself. If she were to ask what I
meant, I would explain my compliment. She won't ask. We'll continue
the way we have been until one day when perhaps there can be
something more.
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